Bad Blood - Home

THE YEAR IS 2007, and in London, England, it has been three months since the election of the new Prime Minister, Wesley O’Sullivan. Leader of the Conservatives, he has promised England lower taxes, more pensions and no more congestion charges, and all seems to be going well until - on the 22nd June - he is handed an unmarked folder and told to look at it.

Inside is a book entitled Werewolf: Man or Monster? and it is with great scepticism that O’Sullivan reads the first chapter of the book. The documents are based upon one man’s research into the myths and legends of werewolves—or so Wesley assumes—and as he hands the dossier back to his Defence Secretary, he is once again told to look at it, but this time his attention is drawn to the back of the tome.

1. Do not bite humans when they approach you. They are weak, helpless creatures who only want to socialise and make friends. Unless they initiate an attack, do not defend yourself. Smile, talk about the weather and shake their hand.

2. Use cutlery when eating in the presence of humans. They’re fussy about these things and won’t hesitate to stare at you if they see you chewing a chicken drumstick like a dog. Don’t worry about picking the cutlery up; it’s stainless steel (humans are cheap like that) so you won’t get hurt. Just remember to eat with your mouth shut and not to talk when you have food in your mouth.

3. Try not to make animalistic noises. Growling, snarling, whining, yelping and barking are prohibited whilst in the company of people. If you must express your anger or joy, try throwing your arms around and emphasising certain words; that usually makes them smile or, in some cases, frown. If the need arises, mimic their actions - sticking your middle finger up at someone usually makes adolescent humans grin wickedly.

4. Do not translate their names into Wolf Sprache. They will take it as an insult and will generally have no idea what you’re going on about. Bearing this rule in mind, try not to slip and speak in Wolf Sprache around them. They will mistake it for German and get angry, or they will try and communicate with you (if they know German or a foreign language, most usually French).

5. Never, ever jump on them to show enthusiasm. Instead, hug them or push them playfully, but be careful that you don’t end up pushing them into a road or into a hot-headed individual and start a fight. As a general rule, you should restrain yourself around them; acting overly-giddy for more than a week will raise eyebrows and end up with you getting taken to one of their therapists.

6. If you enter a competition with them, try to let them win. Humans are fiercely competitive creatures and if they do not win, they will kick up a storm and blame it on someone: usually you. However, if you believe that they must not win for whatever reason, beat them, but do not rub it in their faces. This will only serve to make them angry and they will often attack you when they are enraged.

7. Humans are pathetic creatures—

The rest of the list has been ripped, and the handwriting itself is scrawled and untidy as if the writer compiled the list whilst in a great hurry. Concerned, O’Sullivan orders the dossier to be given to the Shadow Defence Secretary so that he can take a look at it, and so the folder is handed to Monday De Ciel, the first werewolf to successfully enter human politics.

Despite his attempts to tell the Prime Minister that the book and the list is nothing to worry about, De Ciel starts to panic when O’Sullivan orders a news broadcast to go out on the six o’clock news that very evening. After thousands of years of living with humans unaware of their presence, the werewolves are about to be exposed.

Civilians with military backgrounds are drafted up to become Hunters, and they are told to inform no one about their new jobs. Scholars and history professors are asked to find out as much about werewolves as they can, and all the while, the lycanthropes watch and wait anxiously, making their own plans and preparing for a war that seems inevitable.

Unless, of course, they can shift the blame onto someone else, like an ancestor - Mortimer der Mörder - did in the Middle Ages. However, that resulted in the slaughters of thousands of innocent elderly ladies, and the period was thus known as the Dark Ages and the Witch Trials.

Will it work again?